What Makes Me Tired...

On a Saturday morning... I am feeling lethargic already. Err... Nope, I slept quite early yesterday... at about 12.30am... this morning to be exact, and I had an 8 hour sleep. What's wrong? Hmmphh... while I was washing up this morning, I looked myself into the mirror... I had a 2 second horror... I was awakened almost immediately, my eye bags were heavy and I had more white hair sprouting than ever before. I took a closer look. It wasnt me. What was staring back at me was the ghostly Raymond... not the one whom I have known before.

I walked out in trepidation... one step at a time, trying to slow my pace and sat on the sofa...

Before I knew it, it was 9am and I have sat there staring at the tv with the music on for a good 15 minutes.

I didnt want to go to work. Contemplated... but I went anyway. I wasnt exhausted nor tired physically... I was mentally drained. It was torture. If anyone had followed my blog, one would understand. I couldnt pull off anymore stunts today but I still had to. I was virtually dragging myself to work.. not because my mind was willing. It was the other way round... my body showed resilience and was dragging my mind to office because it has been so accustomed to going to office. My mind shouted out, no more! ... It fell on deaf ears.

11am. I was already bludgeoned left and right, up and down with non-stop issues, most of them were nonsense. Saturday... twas my Saturday. I am getting this responses.

..."I dont care on this issue anymore, you handle it!"...
..."You can sack me if you want, I dont care"...
..."You can kick me out of the project... I dont care!"...

OK. What if you get this responses? You see... in this project, everyone is facing mental stress, including yours truly. I am no different, but I have to keep everyone in place, I can't show it out. These people tell you all sorts of stories. You have to listen to their grievances all day long, 24/7... not that I dont have my own problems, but you still have to stick it out and listen, that's what a manager does... or a friend... at least... and then, you have to coax them again and again, that's what a manager does, they sit, ponder and say OK... I will do it for you... and then you have to give them this big enthusiastic smile and show that you are relieved and pleased... and you thank them with all your heart... and they get the job done for you and then, no no... its not finished, you have to make them feel oh so great by telling them, you are my hero... without you, I dont know what I will do... but deep down inside, you know it is their responsibility. The only reason they gave up earlier was because he/ she was under stress. But what they dont realize is that, the project managers gets the most shit. This is what makes me the PM... and this is exactly why they are not the managers because:

1. They are not passionate
2. They care less about the interdependencies
3. They dont look far enough ahead to know the consequences
4. The road ahead of them is walk first, then talk.
5. They cant see what's ahead of them if they screw this one up
6. They think they are heroes when we plead with them
7. They always push responsibilities
8. They are afraid of taking in responsibilities
9. They hide behind a wall
10. They only deal with me, one person.


.... and what qualifies me as a PM:


1. I know 'Tai Chi' (A form of Chinese martial exercise)
2. I am passionate about the project
3. I listen
4. I defend and attack. I dont hide behind a wall
5. I take in responsibilities
6. I can see the road ahead and plan
7. I am the first to arrive and last to go
8. I see the consequences
9. I just want to do my job and make this a successful project, meaning, THICK SKIN.
10. I deal with 100's of people everyday...

Today is Saturday and it is 5.49pm [GMT + 0500 hrs][Pakistan Time]. I am having a throbbing headache. I am the last to go because everyone has left the premises. No one knows what's up, what's going on, yeay... its shopping time on Saturday for most people, .... for me, I will have my 2 packs of Indo Mie at home, open my laptop, and start planning again for next week and month, identify the sick asses who will most likely give me a throbbing headache again and try to find a solution to it. I cant wait to get out of this 'screwed' OR 'fire fighting' project even if it's only for 3 weeks or so. I seriously cant wait....

Chao...