Still Time...

I skipped my journal for a day as I was too tired yesterday. I practically slept on my computer table whilst trying to figure out the unfigured words out of my brains. By the time I woke up, it was already 7am and slept again till 11am before I got up and went to work. I didn't go back during my break yesterday which was a bit unusual because I usually do. Instead, I went to town to have a look around and I managed to get something I wanted for quite a while now. It was the Liverpool away jersey...white in color with the name Steven Gerrard printed on it. It will now become one of my prized possessions amongst the many jerseys I have. Fanatic? Oh yes I am!! Tell me about it! And after that, went on to my favorite cafe spot, Café Nero to have a nice cuppa decaf Cappuccino. After an hour or so, I got back to work and life goes on. I have to shift my attention somewhere else sometimes to keep me sane… sounds bad ain’t it? Time drags me along the way and it can get really get tiring at times. Honestly, I am mentally exhausted more than anything… it is not so much the physical side of it. Another rejection letter today and the story goes on. Some people say that I would go crazy if I don’t cool it but hell… as if I had all the time in the world! I wished I had more time.

Things are not under my control anymore as my future lies in the hand of other’s decision unlike the past when I was at university. Anyway, I’ve been unstoppable since last Friday. I was just trying to keep myself occupied with work, applications and everything else that mattered. I’m knackered actually…been doing everything but entertainment and personal matters. Healthy?? I think not, but I just wanna concentrate making out what matters now. I believe, we grow up more in knowing that the world wasn’t as easy as we thought it would. Today, one friend told me:

“How do you keep up with all these?” and I answered in a plain fashion “I seriously don’t know.”
“Don’t you get tired applying after numerous rejections?”
…”I don’t know… “

Every question was repeated with the same answer of I don’t know… and after a while only I realized that I was the only one who remained standing amidst the scores of people and friends who have tried and got rejected. They have all since stopped. Am I wasting my time? Others say I am hanging on to false and lost hope but I beg to differ. People might think I am crazy, but hell, it was my decision and that’s all I have to say about it. Deal with it guys! But I can only say one thing; I have never in my life felt so determined to do something before, or so motivated despite setbacks after setbacks. I will not rest my case until it adjourns. Many things have got me down lately despite seeing myself still clinging on to a hope but even with that, I will not rest my laurels. It drives me insane sometimes. I wanna have the fighting spirit of William Wallace and not Robert the Bruce, having a simple goal but being more than determined to get what I’ve set out for.

Anyway, I am not on the brink of insanity yet… so, don’t worry guys. I know my limits. Well, guess that’s about it for today and besides the usual cuppa, work and applications, I am fine here. Just a bit tired…