Looking Through Patient Eyes

Finally got my computer hooked back on and luckily, most information was saved in the nick of time including some really important ones. Had to transfer and connect my C drive to my friend's PC. Anyway, most files survived the onslaught of the unknown virus. I was freaking frustrated for the past few days but I'm feeling better now after some remodifications. The internet and my PC has been playing a major role in my life and without which... it would all be so sombre. That's why, it kills and frustrates me to see myself staring at the TV in the middle of the night when it is usually the computer screen that I stare at. Well, life's like that and I am feeling better. A late evening session lifted me up from the doldrums. Feeling happy.

The Killer Inside

A day of paramount sadness and the motha of all f*** ups... first and foremost... my computer system crashed and I am desparately wanting to save as much back up as I can before I format it. I am currently using a friend's laptop. I am utterly devastated which also means that it'll be days now before I can get my whole system to run completely. Liverpool lost today to Tottenham Hotspur which also meant that they have f***ed their Championship totally. I am f***ing screwed up today... AaaAaaRrrrGGggGGgHhhhh!! Anyway, updates will continue on this NB but at a slower pace as remodifications will be done on my PC.

Should I be telling everyone what I do day in day out especially on the net? It seems pretty hilarious how some people are talking about life when nothing is certain about life... and that includes me! And the way some people do it are f***ing hilarious as if they have been through a whole century of life to know the entire perception of life. Congrats then... here's a M.Phil to you... or better... M.Psych. Piss off dude!

4:39am .......... Countdown to another sleepless night. It has passed the 4am mark. The beginning of insomnia creeps in. We'll see how far it goes.

5:00am .......... 21 minutes gone... thought lying down would help... off-ed the lights and closed my eyes... still couldnt. Willl try switching my brains off now. Fingers Crossed.

6:00am ......... Nope nope... still couldnt sleep but found a friend to chat with... thanks Zahar and Pet^_^... hmmmphh... when I wonder... anytime soon?

7:00am .......... Nice knowing that you are fine mom and you too Seou Mei... and oh yes... another hour gone and I am still wide awake... thanks alot! Any suggestions anyone? Any better suggestions other than warm milk and bath? A whole bottle of whiskey perhaps? Brandy? hehehe... but I think its time for me to try harder now... no other choice although it might even go on for another few hours. Going bonkers already! Nites fellas... Tra

8:01am .......... Guess it would never end huh? Still stuck ere'... But anyhow... this is the last update for now... and I just hope to get some decent rest soon. Wish me luck.

Insomniac

People who have wondered am I for real? Insomnia at your age? Get outta ere'.... yeah rite... for f***'s sake... would I go about bragging of this as if I've struck a million quid in the lottery? Hell no... as if I like it as it is!! I had a few blunders at work... but hey, I am up and about... I've tried everything from wine to warm milk and bath... and it is still the same. We're not talking about few days but weeks now... I've got a few other opinions... might just try them out. SM... Good luck and I am sure you'll enjoy it more at Singapore... follow your heart. And to my dear uncle in Wimbledon... thanks for the information. I really appreciate it alot especially the things you've done for me. You've kept me going when I was about to give up. Thank you. About the recent upcoming interview I was mentioning yesterday... it's PSM International, a manufacturing company for fasteners and joining systems and their parent company is The McKechnie Group. Dates have been given and I have been given a choice of over 3 days in Wolverhampton, West Midlands. Still deciding on my packed schedule. Actually, call it luck coz' I thought this was a gonner but this revival of hope is definitely not a success. That was why I looked no further than the word 'delighted' although I am glad. Will keep you guys posted on any new updates.

I have always wondered to myself, why am I not privelleged to hold the decisions I wish? Why do I always have to play second fiddle and wait for results? Am I doomed for the waiting game or is this just a blessing in disguise for better things to come? I have always held the upper hand back home... why different on a foreign soil? but hey hey, hold on folks... it ain't over till the fat lady sings.. and I intend to imprint my paws on this soil, promising a fight back to lay my impression so deeply where it matters, time will tell.

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Mi-Ra-E : Sleepless in Liverpool

Insomnia colludes my senses, while the break of dawn lights my tunnel, I dance with the sunbeams knowing that I might never get to see tomorrow one day. Enya fills my heart at the moment, giving me a consolation of comfort, bringing me to a place of sublime tranquility... subduing any form of anger and madness. To those whose nomenclatures rings the bell of a supposedly wise person, you shall take my chattels but not my soul, for when tomorrow comes, the renegade will cling on to nothing but lost hope. I may have frittered on foreign soil but dare you come to my home land, and I'll give you a good 'homecoming'. Nothing frets me more, other than a one second of blunder, for it leads to a perpetuation of regrets. Today, I received an interview appointment, I didn't look further than the word 'delighted' but I will try my best. I will update more information later.

I will battle this insomnia... it has taken toll on me... my excuses will be too lame for my cause. My dignity remains.

Mi-Ra-E

I was completely knackered... it has been weeks now since I was last so involved with so many things over a week. Still comtemplating over certain things but guess its all about time ain't it? I've never had a more daunting task in my hands right now compared to a few years back. My website is still officially offline until my new journal or perhaps, a new home page comes up. It's a cool day... hope it runs on and on.

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Water Runs Dry

It was hell of a day... not exactly tortured but it was really a busy day especially at the restaurant. People had to actually queue up to get in. I did not stop a sec... and on top of that... I had to manage a session with the manager on the proposed plan of the upcoming project. Good in a way because it took me off my mind for a while but at the end of the day, I was totally knackered. Many things are running through my mind and more than often, the question of 'why' and 'should have' pops up and it is during this course that I feel I manage to grow a little. It's gonna be another tiring and busy week for me. Many people wonder what the hell I am up to... I wonder to myself too... but unfortunately, I've got no answers to them. Somehow somewhere something pops up out of no where and there I am, either managing myself through another round of inevitable or fated mess or going through life's paces. Nonetheless, I thrive on it to know how to propel myself through life's difficult times in the future.

Nice to hear from you bro in New York after a long time... how's Nikkie and Vincy? Hope all of you are doing well. I think its time for me to gather the pieces of my life and put it into perspective and tell myself on one fine day... "Now look, you are and have also been through many obstacles and you've reach this far... nothing is far worse than dying tomorrow." So... wish me luck guys. tra...

Set Adrift on Memory Bliss

I roam in undertainty... wondering if I ever believe in faith anymore but I carry on today for tomorrow in believing what's best for me. I undertook a project today for a company believing again that maybe this could be a breakthrough. It is definitely a breakthrough for me and a partner of mine after some persuasion and it is beginning to look brighter. There will be some intensive research for the next couple of weeks and it would somehow redecorate my mundane cv. Looking forward to it. Hopes on one side fades away but there'll never be a dead end. I will somehow pull it through.

City of Angels

I've been bugged with loads of pressure these days and stress has been taking toll on me. But I am fine now after a transforming day. Thanks mom for enlightening me on IIE. It did put off the pressure a whole lot. But what made me glad and happy was a phrase.... "I'm looking forward to summer". An undescribable day, day of mixed emotions. The beginning was kinda rusty and grudgy but at the end of the day, I feel much enlightened... thanks to mom. And Mich... I am tasting the wine recommended by you... and it is superb. Absolutely subtle in taste and distinctive! Smooth and you can smell the fine oak barrels it was used to store the Cabernet. Wolf Blass Cabernet Sauvignon Yellow Label 2001... definitely a class in its own. It's almost 6.42am and I am still awake... thinking about a whole lot of stuffs but I am feeling more at eased now. It was a nice one... hope it gets better. An undescribable day... take care...tra.

Gaining Momentum

The site is still officially closed for restoration. Updates will still be posted but at a prolonged period. As for now, the presentation or interview on Tuesday at Manchester has been cancelled until further notice. I am catching up with my life at the moment but nothing new happened over the past one week or so. It has been quiet and sombre. Much Ado about Nothing. Still hanging in here. I am currently into the art of tasting wine. Indulgence in this area has been overwhelming and so far so good, differentiation of oak, fine oak, cherry and berry, fruity, spicy and dry has been the main area of a wine and I am getting better by the day. That's all folks. C'ya all later.

My Own Sunrise

The Interview or rather presentation, at Manchester this coming Tuesday has been cancelled indefintiely until further notice. Needless to say, I am more than disappointed after putting in so much effort for the past one week on drafts and even a Babtie Group report. All efforts and research seems to have gone down the drain. Down spirited? YES.... Giving up? NO! This has been the umpteenth time I've been dealt with setbacks after setbacks. When will this ever stop?? However... I've grown enough to know that if I am pessimist enough to treat this as a catastrophe... nothing is gonna work out right in my life. It keeps on coming ain't it? I've got nothing to lose anyway... my life here has been plagued with problems after problems... what else can be worse? Therefore, I will dictate my temperaments and not my mood... guess this is just life.

2.00am .............. Got back from work. Started intensive research and report.

7.07am .............. Retired after 5 hours at the computer. Almost finished with the report and draft for presentation.

8.00am .............. Grew tired and slept.

9.30am .............. Some asshole rang the doorbell for 10minutes. When I went out to check, no one was there. Freak me side ways!
F***ing hELL!@

11.04am............. First phone call by Babtie Group informing me of the cancellation until further notice. Dejected and unable to sleep
further, I switched on the computer to check some mails.

11.30am ............ I grew tired again and slept.

12.04pm ............ My uncle from London called me to ask on my address so that he could send me some information on
presentations. I relayed to him the cancellation and he was very upset as well. We chatted for some time before
eventually putting down the phone.

2.09pm .............. I got up and went on to the computer to do some e-mailing and felt a bit lost staring at the computer. Eventually, I
got off the computer table, tidied, hoovered and redecorated my room.

3.57pm .............. Finished everything and now writing my weblog here. Off to work soon... Disappointing day but nonetheless, reality
sucks and we just hafta move on. Another 4 hours of disordered sleep. Thanks a lot!

Gotta chuck now... later.

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-Saving Private Ray-

Next week's assessment centre is closed due to lack of support but most likely the interview will still be on instead of the presentation. I'm still trying to keep in touch with the personnels and will update whenever anything turns up. Zahar bro and Seou Mei... thanks for being there. Pet... you somehow turned the unimaginable into something pretty magical... thanks! Looking forward to more but it's pretty strange actually to have bumped into you. Of all the places in the world, you have to be there... here comes my how I wish this and that.... anyway, you made me smile and live stronger. I guess it's just one of those things. I'm truly honoured. I am gratified everyone. I am still working on the short stories... will publish it on net for a trial period before considering posting it. Later everyone... c'ya.

Hazy in Liverpool

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Amelioration Period

This site will be going through a restoration period due to a prolific of events which has crashed the entire system. The author wishes to submit into oblivion for an undesignated period of time. Updates will be submitted whenever possible. A new section of private journals or short stories will be added when the author returns. Thanks for all your support.

Plunging into Melancholia in Liverpool...

-Saving Private Ray-

Next week's assessment centre is closed due to lack of support but most likely the interview will still be on instead of the presentation. I'm still trying to keep in touch with the personnels and will update whenever anything turns up. Zahar bro and Seou Mei... thanks for being there. Pet... you somehow turned the unimaginable into something pretty magical... thanks! Looking forward to more but it's pretty strange actually to have bumped into you. Of all the places in the world, you have to be there... here comes my how I wish this and that.... anyway, you made me smile and live stronger. I guess it's just one of those things. I'm truly honoured. I am gratified everyone. I am still working on the short stories... will publish it on net for a trial period before considering posting it. Later everyone... c'ya.

Hazy in Liverpool

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Amelioration Period

This site will be going through a restoration period due to a prolific of events which has crashed the entire system. The author wishes to submit into oblivion for an undesignated period of time. Updates will be submitted whenever possible. A new section of private journals or short stories will be added when the author returns. Thanks for all your support.

Plunging into Melancholia in Liverpool...

::Tuesday 9 April 2002, 2:46am::

Amelioration Period

This site will be going through a restoration period due to a prolific of events which has crashed the entire system. The author wishes to submit into oblivion for an undesignated period of time. Updates will be submitted whenever possible. A new section of private journals or short stories will be added when the author returns. Thanks for all your support.

Plunging into Melancholia in Liverpool...

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Shattered Dreams

Today’s Sunday wasn’t as busy as expected. Maybe the favorites didn’t come out as expected as well and all investments were grounded to the bookies. Today seemed a fine Sunday until 10:15pm. At 10:56pm, history was rewritten.

Therefore, on the 7th April 2002 at 10:56pm, the clock halted momentarily as I had a total periodic flashback of 3 years, 3 months, 21 days, 12 hours and 26 minutes. A definite full stop to an illustrious chapter in my life for a very long time to come. I paused for a moment, subjugating my feelings to a complete question mark.

I will eventually get myself rolling again but time has been stagnant since then. Will the clock tick again to allow time to run through the years? As my mate said, you’ve invested far too much on this property, when the shares dropped drastically, it will take the whole lot to come back stronger. I hope the chapters are not closed. But this hope is the mother of all hope.

Nonetheless, life will continue regardless of everything but nothing… but time for me will be stagnant for quite some time to come. It’ll take a while before it really sets in… My astrologer’s forecast for today was terrifyingly true but it will be withheld here.

My soul hangs in a balance at the moment, recalling what was said as ‘No matter how or what’… but that seems to be lying in tatters and in a distance. Exactly 8 more days, 2 hours and 37minutes from now will be an opportunity I fear and cherish most. I will make the most out of it. GOD help me.

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::Monday 8 April 2002, 3:19pm::

Woke up to a brand new start to the day, my MP3's went full blast, the last thing I need right now is serenity, and a room full of pictures and memories. It's hard being and doing without her after all these years. Songs from Def Leppard and Wet Wet Wet seems to hit the key with of my feelings. Here's part of it:

::Third Eye Blind: How's It Going To Be::

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder is there anything
I'm going to miss

I wonder how it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be

How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the
Doorway we spent time in swings empty
Don't see lightning like last fall
When it was always about to hit me

I wonder how's it going to be
When it goes down
How's it going to be
When you're not around
How's it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be

And how's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion oblivion

How's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
How's it going to be

Goodbye girl and take care. I am fine by the way.

Errm… how should I say or speak of today? Anyway.. since it was the final day of the Grand National Race… me and my mate went for a small bet and guess what...?? We won the lot of a horse placing of 1-2-3. Everyone was cursing us because we only had a small bet on it and no one ever thought that the first placed horse was a non-runner. We placed a bet on it by luck and voila… it came out tops. Made a couple of pounds but it was all for the fun of it.

It wasn’t as dead busy as yesterday at my work place… and the reason behind it was, all the favorites to come out tops went downhill. A lot of people lost their money and the bookies were laughing their way to the bank! We were lucky… and again… today, had a squabble with an Irish lad who came in and boast of his freaking fortune and making a big fuss outtaf everything. As usual, I got really pissed and I f***ed him upside down. I mean… it wasn’t my usual style because many of the Irish lads know me and we have a good rapport. This case was outtaf hand. Again, I had to be held back by my mate… tempers flared but in the end… the Irish lad’s girlfriend apologized to me and told me that he had too much to drink plus the loss of his dough in the horse race. Yeah rite!! As if I cared! I don’t give a rat’s ass about your stuffs and if you eat and behave accordingly… that’s fine by me… just don’t give me all those bullshit and start creating a scene or havoc when I am working! I swear I will kick his ass so hard he will forget his own last name! Whatmore when I am in the midst of a tensed week ahead of me… it doesn’t gel mate!

But I must admit… I’ve been far too stressed and tensed up lately due to the presentation… and other things. Although work wise… colleagues started treating me as a well-disciplined guy, I hafta admit that sometimes, it got outtaf hand. I really lost my cool at that moment back there today and the Irish bloke must have got a scare coz’ I don’t think he has ever experienced it before. His expression showed. Anyway, I bought another Liverpool jersey today… nope, not the Champions League one although I will get it soon… but it will add to my already luxurious collection of Liverpool merchandise. It’s been hard fought… ever since I was a kid till now… never have I dreamed about going to Liverpool or having to say that, study and watch their games at Anfield. It really means something to me. Thanks Dad and Mom… but the truth is the fact, I am a fanatical Liverpool supporter!

Again, it’s Sunday today and another weekend of the Sunday blues. I miss Sundays back in my country where everything was just so relaxed. Now I hafta slog through it… aaaiiii…. But hell, it doesn’t worry me the slightest bit… as long as the dough keeps coming in. Well, gotta go now… another long day for me later. Tra….

Well, before I start off with anything, I would like to wish Stephannie a very Happy Birthday… it’s your big day today. Hope you enjoy your time there. With all my love.

Today was quite a busy day… people dressed up in their best suits for the Grand National Race at Aintree, Liverpool… and not forgetting these people are the ones with lotsaf dough. Yeah, tell me about it. It was so packed and busy that I almost forgot dinner and supper. In a way, it’s good coz I can go on diet then… been packing myself up quite a bit these days. But talking about gaining weight…. I think I have lost loads over the past 2 weeks or so because of stress. Life is becoming more tensed for me… maybe its due to the ambitions and workload I have set for myself. I see my friends having a whale of a time here without having to worry about getting a job… they are not planning to in anyway. So, I really don’t know. But anyhow, I am not letting go of my dreams now… I’ve always maintained a degree of ambition so that I can improve on myself and to be very honest, I am not bothered the slightest bit of whether they are looking for a job or not although seriously speaking… I sometimes wonder if my life would be more jovial without the stress and time management thingy.

Later today will be much busier because it would be the last day of the races and everyone would be painting the town red. Just hope I don’t fall under pressure. Actually, coming to the job thing, it’s pretty stressful for me at times because most of my fellow graduates here have given up hope and some of them did not even take the initiative to try. That makes me the lone wolf seeking suitable opportunities. I have no problems doing it alone but sometimes it does get me down. I have to manage my time well… plan ahead of what to do, sticking to my plans, during the slightest free time I have, I have to devote to my journals, weblog, preparation for interviews, seeking companies through the internet and study about them, and also working which tires me. Frankly speaking, I don’t even have time for myself. That was why over the past week, I have watched 2 Liverpool matches justa ease myself up.

Sometimes I feel like cracking up my brains… but hey… I am still sane and fine here. No worries. And, hehehe… lemme tell you of what happened today. I blew my top off in front of a customer. I’ve been wanting to do that actually… luckily Desmond refrained me from confronting them further. They were a bit of a mess after a few booze and they talked too much. So, when tempers flared and emotions ran high… I f***ed and gave them a piece of my mind. There was this girl in the group who talked just too much and demanded for just about everything... she even refused to pay the bill and I was just so tired that I f***ed her (verbally that is) then and there. I know it was a bit un-gentleman of me but she was just way off the mark and I suppose by the way 2 colleagues refrained me from kicking her friend’s ass, it was quite heated. In fact, many of the Irish and Scottish customers who were in the restaurant applauded me and even asked me to kick the group out of the restaurant.

Aaaaiii….. maybe its due to the tension surrounding me these days. I’ve been so jammed with my time that I just cant find time to do certain things. But don’t misinterpret me here… I am not gonna lose my head over trifle things. I am still cool and it was just part and parcel of working. One of her friends eventually came by over me and told me they had too much to drink… and that they were sorry. Really, sometimes I just feel like f***ing them all up especially when they are drunk and start talking stupid things… although most of them are friendly and nice. Anyway, enough about all this shit heads… I get them every week. Gotta go now… feeling tired. Later in the day will be another big day… need enough rest. Cheerio now.

How I wished yesterday’s sleep would come back to me… again, I didn’t sleep soundly today. Woke up in between intervals and this was the hardest part. Anyway, Blogger’s server seems to be breaking down more often than ever these days and that’s the reason why my weblogs aren’t as constant as before. But one good news… I will be starting my journals soon and all of you can view it later under the title of “Journals”. Keep a look out for it. It would depict true stories from all dimensions. It would be interesting.

Today was really busy. Aintree Racing Course held the Grand Nationals on the 1st but today was the start of 3 consecutive days of grand racing. It would be busy again tomorrow and I am tired… dead tired now. Funnily enough, I just couldn’t get myself to sleep even though I tried laying myself on the bed with my eyes closed. Finally, I got up again, switched on my computer and tried figuring out some other things to do… and here I am penning my daily log although it would be only tomorrow before I can publish it. It is the 5th of April today… tomorrow is a big day and 11 more days to go will be somewhat much scarier. To be honest, I have somehow evaded the big question of fear when it really matters. I know I should be handling this chance more effectively but it just seems as though it’s gonna be another sad case after all. So, why should I even bother to try? But another part of me tells me to value every chance that comes by no matter what… and when I feel I need to… I just don’t know where to start. Tried inspiring myself but just couldn’t get the edge or nerve to try. Hope something inspires me. Anyway…. received another letter with the pending status. Hope is all I can ever dream of…

Hey Louis… thanks for the phone call. Its good to know that you are doing well there… at least you are on for something big. So, don’t even think about sighing all day on your life because it’s much better than mine obviously at the moment! You should be glad even though it’s boring. Anyway… nice to hear from you and take care. Well well… so much for today. We’ll see how tomorrow goes and what it brings… hopefully for the better.

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::Friday, 5 April 2002::

With 45minutes left on the clock before I shoot off to work... I have suddenly thought of the presentation which is making me freak out by the day. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to dwell on there? 15 minutes!! When I did my final year presentation, it was 20minutes but that was with questions by the panel as well... and I had facts to my project... now?? It sure is freaking me out and it is not good freaking out now! I'm stuck... ArrgGGghHHHhh..... ok ok... relax... calm down. Gotta go to work now... will figure that out later when I get back from work. God help me...

First of all, I would like to apologize for not being able to update my diary for the last 2 days… first one being that I was overly tired and the second time being that my server was down.

On Tuesday, I slept for a good 8 unobstructed hours and it has been long since. I have not felt so good ever and it really helped me a lot in a sense that I felt so much fresher and clearer. The reason to my sound sleep is because I only had 3 hours of sleep the night before and after that a straight flush of 13 hours of work, mostly standing, running, and everything but sitting down. It was all to much for me to bear as I lay myself on the bed when I came back, I had no time to even ponder about anything… every part of my body was screaming with relieve and soon after, I slept off quietly, slipping into the world of relaxation, no dreams, no nightmares… totally unobstructed!

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::Wednesday, 3 April 2002::

Woke up finally on Wednesday morning… the mood was good, sun came out for the first time after days of drizzling and fog, went to work as usual and was busy but it didn’t matter much as I was really anticipating the Champions League match later on. Worked half day and later went for coffee at Café Nero before shooting back home. Grouped up at almost 6pm and we got to Anfield as early as 6.30pm. The crowd was swelling up as it got nearer to kick-off. There were 6 of us and we just couldn’t wait. All of us were true Liverpool supporters and it was particularly ecstatic for me as most of my friends are Mancs. Definitely not a good blend! Anyway, the match was a good one… not as good as the one against Barcelona and Roma but they still managed a goal to take the game to Germany with a scoreline of 1-0. I was sitting very near to the pitch and it was great fun. It was just magnificent.

Later, we proceeded to China Town for a sumptuous meal and it was just a nice feeling at the end of the day and to be honest, it has been a long long time since I last enjoyed myself with the lads. Although it was tiring when I got back, I felt good, at least for the time being after so long. On the whole, it was a good day but knackered! Seriously, a day that I hope will come more often. Anyway, I might talk more of the match tomorrow… feeling really really tired now… hafta sleep. Tra now…

The weather today was too ‘pleasant’ that I decided to f*** my Monday movies and got back to sleep. It was drizzling… and it was so cool the whole day that I told myself… “Why not?”.

9.00am…….After having only to sleep 3 hours.. the first phone call woke me up. Until now, I still have no idea who I spoke to… still figuring it out. I got back to sleep.

10.30am… ..The second phone call came in and it was my friend asking me for dinner. In a grudge voice, I politely turned him down.

12.05pm…. ..The third one came and it was a wrong number by an unknown freaked out shit face from London. Getting pissed already….

1.07pm………Hing called me for coffee and got f***ked by me because coffee sessions doesn’t start until 4pm… and it was only 1pm for Christ sake!! But I too had forgotten that today was Easter Monday, and Bank Holiday and he had no classes. That’s why he was early today. But after that I was alright.

2.15pm……... The fourth phone call came in and this time I told myself enough is enough. The weather was just perfect for sleeping… and if that is also not possible on my day off… it will be far off the limit… man oh man… the next person was really a victim! I feel sorry for her. I didn’t mean it.

3.05pm………. There were no phone calls but I woke up trying to recap what had happened over the past few hours… I was still feeling dizzy… but didn’t sleep on. Just lazed around the bed whilst listening to Mozart and the ‘Serendipity’ soundtrack.

4.17pm……….. Woke up and made a long distance call to the States. Surprisingly, my applications were not found but eventually, it was sorted out. Hope fades away.

4.34pm………… Went out to check for letters… another rejection letter from Lattice Group (the one I had a telephone interview with)… good way to start my day? The shite weather compounded my moodiness + inadequate sleeping hours!

4.40pm…………. Went on the internet to check for some good news but to no avail. Called Hing for café at Nero and I spent the next 2 hours chatting with him.

8.15pm………… Ping invited me for dinner… and I obliged. I was thinking to myself… “What else can go wrong?”… had dinner there with Hing as well and mingled around for another few hours before I returned to my nest.

12.01am……….. Already tired and lonesome… Lee asked me to do him a favor! I obliged but as he went on with his demands… I was pretty pissed off and I snapped… I didn’t give a rat’s ass who the hell he was… I was just thinking to myself… “Can’t I have a minute silence on my day off??” Can’t I just do my own things? Why is everyone pissing me off on my supposedly relaxing day? It was just like you’re on your holiday and your boss is demanding that you immediately come back for work!

…. Overall, I feel like I am going nuts. This, that, here, there…. F***!! Tomorrow will be a terribly long day for me… my joints are aching… but what I desire is no longer in existence… hopefully not for long. Anyway, this is my shit life in Liverpool on shit days… good days are hard to come by… tough days are aplenty…. relaxing days are what I long for, and I am still waiting for the gloom to be lifted since last 2 weeks. Guess I just hafta be patient or that’s what I really hope for… clinging on to the mother of hopes… my faith is as strong as ever, my will is determined but reality is wearing me out. Caught in between junctions…I am afraid of making my next turn in fear of no turning back. But I will do my best and I will fight on till the last straw.

Eddie's son back at home is seriously ill... just got his message and he is totally devastated. It must be hard for him now... I'll pray for you as well. Being away from home with your wife handling these kindaf situations must be kinda tricky and it takes a whole lot of determination to get through all this. I am here if you need me. Too tired to think now... 'till tomorrow then.

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Sleepless in Liverpool
::Tuesday 2nd April 2002::

8.30am .............. My eyes flashed open after only 3 hours of sleep. This is not the first time it is happening. It has been going on for the past week or so. Those previous times when I slept back on, I was usually late for certain things especially work. Today, I dragged my sorry ass up, had a morning shower... and only then did I realise that it was only 9.15am. Another hour and 45 minutes before I start work. It is also the 2nd of April... 4 more days to the next big thing, exactly 2 weeks from now to D-Day, and eventually months away from the dateline for job applications. Everything seems to come to me when I am still in the midst of a daydream.

Anyhow, no complaints but more hard work to come. I have to... I need to! Get your butt up and start working out what needs to be done. No two f***s about anything... it's either my sorry ass is staying up or going down and I ain't gonna let the latter happen.

Going out for cafe now at Live before my work starts. Gotta chuck... more later. Fingers crossed.

My hopeful day turned into a nice and quiet evening. Easter break is here and everyone’s out on their breaks and it was quiet. But I had a pretty nice surprise to be hearing from someone after so long and under the most unimaginable circumstances, the person appeared to be in Ireland now… Dublin to be exact! I had quite a shock when I spoke to the person and we had a wonderful chat after a long long time. He was well but I was kind of taken aback after what has happened over the past few years… different people certainly have different lives bestowed upon them and it is only through this way that we learn more about life.

Speaking to this person taught me a lot of things… that life is an eventful thing and one should never regret the paths that they took or look back at our mistakes. I was really elated over the call and I am planning now for my next trip to Dublin since I have not been there before… what more when there’s someone over there. Anyway, it was a tiring day for me and I barely had the energy to think. Went to my friend’s place after work to eat and chat… it was kinda nice to get my mind out of the everyday mess. Soon after, went back and as soon as I sat on my bed, I dropped dead! My muscles and joints were screaming out aloud and I just couldn’t get myself up again. Took a nap and I am back right in front of the monitor searching for clues, leads and everything else that matters.

But one thing for sure, we wont know how life can be tough if we have not got in touch with reality. I am glad in a way that I have stayed back to wonder for the time being because it has taught me so many things in so many ways and how we should appreciate life’s little things in so many wonderful ways. It’s no doubt that some people have the luck of the draw but I ain’t gonna complain about it because I feel grateful to be given this chance to venture into a whole dimension of the sciences of life. At the end of the day, after all the huffs and puffs, I am glad I am able to retire to a cozy room for me to think, ponder and be thankful. I don’t ask for much except for a reposed life and I hope my wish can be granted. Easy going guy with a thought for living, big ambitions but a composed and sound dream that can get me through the years. I am determined but at the mean time, I am still learning as I go on and I know one day, it’ll come true.

Gotta chuck now coz hafta attend to some other stuffs… will be attending to some business tomorrow and gonna take it plain easy tomorrow… smooth and easy. I long for these days.