Mixed emotions clouded my day… however, the best part of my day was the win as expected of Liverpool. Two well taken goals that says it all… from Smicer and Owen. I even bought 6 tickets to the Champions League match against Bayer Leverkusen on Wednesday. Something for me to look forward to and to actually keep my mind off the reality of life. I also went to the Liverpool Club Store to purchase a Liverpool flag... hmmpph... starting to get a collection of these prized possessions huh? In fact, I was very tired after only having slept for 3 hours but it was well worth it… the 3 points, the goals, the KOP, Anfield… but in all soon went downhill as I hit the road later on.

There was a little commotion at work which subdued the whole euphoric atmosphere. What I despise the most is being hung in limbo and in total no control of the situation. I do not hold the cards… do I? But I can’t just say that I don’t give a rat’s ass about the whole thing or issue. This shake up has hit the Richter scale for 7.0 which went undetected and I can’t do shit about it but justa sit and wait. It’s eating me up to pieces by the day but I will hang in there.

I had known a newly found acquaintance for barely less than a few days and I am utterly sorry for the loss of someone so dear in her eyes. I can’t say I understand how it exactly feels but after reading through the journal, it made me think about how such a precious life can be designated for an end in such a hurting way. I have no words of comfort enough to subdue your sorrow but all I can say is, you have done your best and if you need someone to talk to… however far that is, there would be someone here.

Today, I barely had control over any situation. As I’ve said, the worst thing that could happen to me is when it hits me so bad without any exhortation. I barely had the mood to stimulate my face muscles but luckily, some kind and jovial Scottish people from Glasgow and also some of the usual Kensington Scullies managed to ease me up a little… cheers lads. Anyway, it’s already so bright at 8am now… a few more hours before I need to drag my sorry ass up to work again! Therefore, need to sign off now… hope it gets better tomorrow.

Days are getting longer now... it gets bright at 6am... and soon again, time will have to change its focus. I’ve been here for 3 Autumns, 3 Winters, 3 Springs and 2 Summers… 2 complete seasons of Romance, Hard Work, Stress and everything else that matters. My third winter was somehow subdued… flowers are blossoming in Spring now and although I should be feeling more jovial, it is far from true. Many things that took place have got me wondering… and to deal with stress from then till now has almost sapped up most of my energy.

Recently, I have acquired a long lost stupor that has kicked start the love for myself again. I have to start realizing this dream now… to better myself and not be kept at the sidelines anymore. It has been by far an eventful dream that I’ve been through and I intend to make it more vibrant in terms of progressing ahead. Some things have made me realize that no matter how hard you try, certain things in life needs just time to figure out itself. At work today, I bought 4 tickets to the Liverpool vs Charlton match later today where I’ll be accompanied by 3 other friends. I reckon it’ll be a good match and one that Liverpool has to win to keep alive their title dreams. I cant wait. Excited to be precise… we’ll see then.

I always dream of becoming part of the elite… will I be one? Would I get the chance to? Questions become part of my illusion that clouds reality. I sometimes drift into a motion that people call it loneliness but despite it being dubbed a bad remedy for faith and believe, I think otherwise, because I feel that it enhances my personality more to become someone mentally stronger and steady. And from that notion only do I improve myself further. Psychic? Maybe… Crazy?… I hope not! Let us pray for me… I met two American girls today donned in brimming red… it took a while before I finally realized that they were actually fans of Liverpool traveling all the way from California just to watch a football match later today. We had a nice chat and I wondered to myself what has brought these girls all the way to Liverpool… and only then did I realize the answer laid right at the heart of my soul… Passion. I’ve supported Liverpool for 12 years now… never once my faith and loyalty has wavered even during their bad times and I am a self confessed Liverpool fanatic. Anyway, hope your journey will not be a let down and a wonderful one.

Well, gotta chuck now… so much for today. All in a day’s work… cheerio!

Today's weather was alright... getting back to the spring groove... but work was horrible. People started to pour in like nobody's business since it was the Easter break and it coincide also with the Grand National next week. So, what can I say? I am dead tired now. Anyway, it’s gonna be a busy week ahead for me and I just want to put my mind to it. Lay low for the moment… many things have been turning a few screws loose up in my head and I really have to take some time out. Things start to look bleak but I am not about to give up. That’s why I am keeping myself sane by sharing my thoughts to everyone on the web world. I definitely don’t want to drift into a schizophrenic motion.

Well, to my friend, I am really sorry that I couldn’t put you up for a night because of personal problems and I hope you understand. At the mean time, I am just hoping to be alone where I can think better and clearer. Wrong timing mate… really hope you understand, if not, deal with it! I ain’t gonna give two f***s about it…as it is, all I can tell you is, I am caught up with something and if this doesn’t satisfy your question, hell mate… shit happens!

At the moment, I am trying to put some pieces back to my life… sounds petrifying and as though I’ve been through lots of shit ain’t it? Hell yeah I did and I am f***ing tired… I just wanna put myself into perspective now and try to build my life from here on. No one’s perfect… take that as my advise! I was discussing with my mates today about shipping back some stuffs home… It’s actually a good idea now looking at my room… it’s full loads of shit… but decision is still pending. Actually, coming to another thing, it’s also good fun working here because you get to see loads of shit every single day without fail. Some will flirt with you and you get to understand their low life or sometimes how depressing one’s life can be and it can be really educational. Sometimes it teaches you to deal with life in the best possible way we can and I’ve gradually learned a lot.

Well… guess that’s all for today… looking forward to tomorrow for a fresh new start and see what problems lie ahead of me… in any case, I’ve been dodged by problems since I got here and there isn’t a time when I failed to clear any hurdles. The only thing I wish for is to have a good rest every night without perturbation. Cheerio…

I skipped my journal for a day as I was too tired yesterday. I practically slept on my computer table whilst trying to figure out the unfigured words out of my brains. By the time I woke up, it was already 7am and slept again till 11am before I got up and went to work. I didn't go back during my break yesterday which was a bit unusual because I usually do. Instead, I went to town to have a look around and I managed to get something I wanted for quite a while now. It was the Liverpool away jersey...white in color with the name Steven Gerrard printed on it. It will now become one of my prized possessions amongst the many jerseys I have. Fanatic? Oh yes I am!! Tell me about it! And after that, went on to my favorite cafe spot, Café Nero to have a nice cuppa decaf Cappuccino. After an hour or so, I got back to work and life goes on. I have to shift my attention somewhere else sometimes to keep me sane… sounds bad ain’t it? Time drags me along the way and it can get really get tiring at times. Honestly, I am mentally exhausted more than anything… it is not so much the physical side of it. Another rejection letter today and the story goes on. Some people say that I would go crazy if I don’t cool it but hell… as if I had all the time in the world! I wished I had more time.

Things are not under my control anymore as my future lies in the hand of other’s decision unlike the past when I was at university. Anyway, I’ve been unstoppable since last Friday. I was just trying to keep myself occupied with work, applications and everything else that mattered. I’m knackered actually…been doing everything but entertainment and personal matters. Healthy?? I think not, but I just wanna concentrate making out what matters now. I believe, we grow up more in knowing that the world wasn’t as easy as we thought it would. Today, one friend told me:

“How do you keep up with all these?” and I answered in a plain fashion “I seriously don’t know.”
“Don’t you get tired applying after numerous rejections?”
…”I don’t know… “

Every question was repeated with the same answer of I don’t know… and after a while only I realized that I was the only one who remained standing amidst the scores of people and friends who have tried and got rejected. They have all since stopped. Am I wasting my time? Others say I am hanging on to false and lost hope but I beg to differ. People might think I am crazy, but hell, it was my decision and that’s all I have to say about it. Deal with it guys! But I can only say one thing; I have never in my life felt so determined to do something before, or so motivated despite setbacks after setbacks. I will not rest my case until it adjourns. Many things have got me down lately despite seeing myself still clinging on to a hope but even with that, I will not rest my laurels. It drives me insane sometimes. I wanna have the fighting spirit of William Wallace and not Robert the Bruce, having a simple goal but being more than determined to get what I’ve set out for.

Anyway, I am not on the brink of insanity yet… so, don’t worry guys. I know my limits. Well, guess that’s about it for today and besides the usual cuppa, work and applications, I am fine here. Just a bit tired…

Watched the Oscars till the wee hours of the morning... it was great fun though knowing that some pictures made it big time. And also, I managed to recall the name of someone that I think is pretty cool.... Marisa Tomei. Remember that Mark? from 'Only You'? Today was my off day and I practically had a peaceful afternoon by going to the bank, watching a movie (13 Ghost), which was uncharacteristic, suspensive, not really scary but more like a freaky show, and then went to the cafe to sit, sip and relax. At this point, I met a friend and was discussing some problems and in the end, I ended my day with more headaches than a peaceful mind. Had been contemplating for quite some time now whether to shift or not and today's evening was a part agenda. Final decision? ... ended up freaking myself out with the thought of moving and just decided to stay put in the mean time. It doesn't mean I am not going to but not for now. I have too much to think about and that would do me just fine.

Anyway, the latter evening's proceedings were more or less under-hyped where the more strenuous issues were discussed with my friends and it was relieving actually to know that at least someone was there to lend a ear. Cheers mates... Tomorrow and the days after will be the start of a new dawn to a whole busy week until the Grand Nationals held in Liverpool. It is the annual horse racing event which is considered quite grand as the name states but it will be good in a way for me to put my mind off to something else. Actually, what is done is done.... and I really do think now and hope that time will heal the situation... still hoping and waiting.

Sunday Sunday Sunday... the same ol' story. All worked up and tired at the end of the day. But it's by no means a complaint from me because I don't deserve the privilege to complain. I was not any guy from the big blocks having the silver spoon fed upon my mouth when I was born. Neither did I have the luxury of a well scripted life. I am thankful for who I am today, the love that I get from my parents and close ones, and that's the reason why I can't complain even when I have to slog through a Sunday morning after only just hours of sleep. Things have got me down lately, and I just feel that I need to get back to my path.

Today, it was extra busy because Liverpool won 1-0 at Anfield against Chelsea. It was a last minute goal which created an euphoria all over Liverpool. People were coming in from all walks of life, Norwegians, Finnish, Scousers, Geordies (who support Liverpool..sorry Newcastle fans), Irish, Scottish, Welsh, Chinese, Indians, Americans, it was actually nice to see them dressed up all in red with smiles on their faces straining their vocals on and off the ground. Oh yes...I heard many stories from the euphoria of the Roma game to this one... and I was more than cheered up by this. In fact, working here taught me many other things like how to speak basic Norwegian, Finnish, understanding and emulating the Scottish, Irish and Scouse accent (which I love the most) and also making well sure that I brighten up people's blessed meal. The only bad thing about it at the end of the day is that you get a really sore feet, mentally exhausted brain and you just end up having stacks of problems to think about. The good thing is, I learn from people indirectly, on social behaviour and discipline, and increase my mentality in the way certain things are worked out in life unexpectedly. I therefore thank my parents for giving me this opportunity to be here and the love from all corners of the room including the lost ones which I still have faith in.

I am a bit cranky up here now after a long day but I do hope that those who are given the opportunity to strive with ease through the years, make good use of it and not forget the effort from the people behind you all the time. By the way, Liverpool went top today at the expense of Man Utd.'s loss yesterday although I wish Arsenal all the very bad luck you can get for the rest of the season... (sorry Gunners... I had to for the sake of all kopites around the world!)... Good luck Liverpool!

It looked like a perfectly normal day but I lay emotionless through the day. Maybe due to tiredness and stress. Anyway, I believe in astrology and it's beginning to really startle me with the accuracy of its predictions. Some might say its crap or bull, but I really do believe that some parts of our lives are pre-destined by the stars. My astro sign told of me today:

"You might be drawn to physical activity to ground yourself, Raymond. You've been living a little too much in your head lately. You're probably tired from thinking too much! Your mental energy has gotten a bit out of control. It's time to turn off that active brain and to focus more on your physical well being. Go outside and get some exercise."

Hey... this is only a special preview and I won't do that on normal days. It's just that I feel particularly prone to the stars. Enjoy it while you can! hehehe... :-þ I've been trying to work some things out lately and its true, I've drag myself into an unnoticeably high and stressful pace far beyond my reach. Although some solutions and goals were attained in the process, it can be really exhausting. A penetrating form of chill has been embedded in me since last week and I've been trying to come to terms with it however tough it is. It looks as though I have to accept that a new challenge is on the cards and no matter how daunting that can be, I have to hang in here and just do my best in whichever way I could. Nonetheless, I am still holding on to this faith regardless of the slim hopes. Sometimes it kills my emotions and mental strength but guess I have no options made available to me at the moment. From time to time, I still think of the old times and still wish it would come back and I have an inner strength telling me that the good times are going to roll once this patch of darkness is over. There's only one thing that I will guarantee, which is my fight till the very end. It ain't over till the fat lady sings!

When times are bad, absorb the pressure but don't succumb to it, be steady and composed and when the time is right, let the good times prevail! Kinda like the way Liverpool is playing themselves right up to the top and European's best! Absorb the pressure and counter attack. But however easy such is said, no one can ever feel or know how low can I get when bad times hit me... it's painful and stressful. But amidst the grim and adverse fortune I am at now, I will do just fine. Manchester lost today to Middlesbrough with a scoreline of 0-1... time for Liverpool to pounce on the advantage when they play Chelsea later? We'll see pretty soon....

The day felt gloomy even though it looked more like spring time now. It took me exactly 6 hours to reach Liverpool from Colchester. Thought things would be alrite and things just went 'better'. I had partial injuries yesterday after the badminton match due to a long overdue lack of practise since high school. Today, my injury went one notch up when I twisted my ankle at Euston and I injured my hip bone due to an overload of lugagge. When I got back, my shoulders were yelling for mercy. Things just didn't stop there... when I thought that my misery would end, I had to endure the stress of opening a string of letters. Two rejected applications, one pending from companies and bank letters compounded my already numb feeling and the thought of going to work after that shattered any hope of even a smile.

As I walked to work, many things ran up my mind. First of all, when we deposit money into our account, do we ask the bank whether our money is safe with them? No, we dont't but I do have a tendency to check my account from time to time... sometimes daily to keep me secured. Am I wrong in doing so? Or maybe I should just place money in the bank, keep my mouth shut, and let the bank deal with its own security to keep my money safe. But hey, it's just me, I feel restless when I don't know where my bank account stands but I trust the bank with all my faith. It's peculiar of me. I hope it's not wrong. It's not that I am pressurising the bank but I too know that too much of it will result in the bank asking to me f*** off and open an account else where but still, my loyalty remains with the bank. Secondly, I have been wondering to myself after watching the show 'A Beautiful Mind' to whether I am schizophrenic or not. Sometimes it's just me that I like to watch movies alone, have a cuppa alone, be with nature alone, and do a whole lot of other stuff alone, does this lead to delusion and faulty preceptions? To be honest, I have been keeping myself from the spotlight quite lately and maybe it's time for me to venture out more. But hey... don't mistake me for a psychopath ok? I'm definitely not! Thirdly, have I wondered far beyond the basic communications of human life? Have I forgotten how to social? Am I that busy...?(In fact I am!!!) I spend 24/7 working out on personal stuffs, financial matters, applications and work and it just keeps me on my toes. Anyway, it's been quite depressing and I wouldn't even wanna compound it further now before I head for bed.

To be very honest, time is really sucking the life out of me. Uncertainty sux but I guess I have no option but to folllow the flow and remain as a contender. I've also managed to discover some areas that I could work in. It's been painstaking but hopefully, time will tell. Actually, I am too tired right now... another tough day ahead for me tomorrow... even shittier than today... my body feels brittly, numb and I am all too mentally stressed out now but I am still keeping my composure to remain sane during these times. Unforgivable to an extend, I will fight with courage, determination and motivation no matter how long it takes to get back to my best. It's the most testing ever period of my life since the horrific ordeal I had almost 4 years back. To those who knows me best, you know I will fight and till the end it will be. Tra' now...

p/s: I am safe and sound...

Alas, on my final day in Colchester, the sun came out from the hiding and paraded her stride across the whole county. It was no doubt the highlight of the day. Everything was going easy today, not a single word said and the feeling was mutual, with every aspect of the hols in perspective. A mellow and melancholious outing summed it all with no remorse, yet it all seemed so subtle as though it’ll be a longer season this time, with no definite point of return. Songs from Cranberries today encapsulated my entire disposition.

Sometimes people say or wish that they could turn back the clock… would you? Enlighten me. Anyhow, hope days will be easier on me now although I know the sea will be rougher, the tide will be higher, and the storm, catastrophic. It wouldn’t be easy but I will fight till the very last drop of my sweat. Don’t know why but I am speechless tonight… would just like to end my evening as calm as possible. Till then…

Sometimes there are answers to our acquisitions and sometimes there aren’t. To me, when there are no answers, I risk and believe. My 2 weeks break in Colchester is coming to an end soon and I somehow feel enlightened. Funnily enough, I don’t feel nicked but more to saving grace. On the other hand, this trip has brought me loads of surprises that I would have never imagined in the clearest conscience. Or maybe I was too clouded then to have noticed anything even in my clearest conscience.

Today weather was clearer and mild. Stephannie and I went to watch ‘A Beautiful Mind’ and bumped into Pimpim. It was no doubt a good show which reflected sanity in a beautiful and scary way. Recommended actually. It starred Russell Crowe (from Gladiators) and also Ed Harris (from Apollo13). It brought me reflections of my friend who had a parent suffering from insanity but was not institutionalised because the case was heard as a mental torture and humiliation. Accordingly, it only comes and go once in a while and that was the base to their argument but still… really sympathise with what my friend had to go through in the past. Well, I should be thankful! Anyway, had Italian food after that at Ask… it was lovely. And thanks Tom for hanging out at Mondo’s… it was wicked! Frankly, as I prepare for my departure back to Liverpool, I bring back with me provoking thoughts on many issues. It’s all gonna be coming my way again… the 24/7 huffs and puffs, hassles, and workload are back to haunt me again but somehow or rather, I feel rather motivated and prepared! And not forgetting the D-Day that I’ve been mentioning a few days back… that will be a real test to my courage, confidence and capabilities. Keep your fingers crossed for me guys!! Actually, just wanna ask a question here… does anyone have any links to journalism at all? I would love to try my hands on them as a part time venture. Do mail me if there is ok? It could be fun.

But hey, to my gang back home, Seou Mei, David Ng, Daniel, etc and the rest elsewhere around the world… its nice to know that we are all watching over one another and have not been forgotten. It’s been all too long now to recall all the wicked stuffs that we did but hey, we’ll be back soon. Zahari, Mark, Mindy…. All you good men and women out there… chill out and stay close. But one thing that keeps buggering me is ‘Is there life after graduation?’…or ‘How does it feel with all the big responsibilities coming through now?’. Suffocated? Adrenalin rush? Wicked? Fun? Enlighten me please! *grin* …

Contemplation knows no time, and it kills me, but I will hang in there with utmost faith and determination, to reap the seeds of labour and hopefully, everything will be good in the end.

I stare in stupefaction at the ceiling… I stared and stared and stared… one would have wondered how sane this man could be. Strangely enough, nothing was running at the back of my mind. I was just firing blanks with my gaze. Today was strange, there were no plans, absolutely nothing on my mind and I just didn’t know how I managed to scrape through today. Ahhh yes… I had a few pints of Guinness here and there. Anyway, just wanna say that the uni had a partial role in f***ing up my day today… no ITV Sports??? You gotta be joking me! Especially on this important day of Champions League football when the match was a decider match between Liverpool and AS Roma into quarter finals… they can have freaking Sky Sports but no ITV Sports! That is a major joke, you freaked out management!

Anyway, luckily enough, my misery wasn’t compounded further when Liverpool needing a 2-0 score to go into the quarter-finals manage to just to that! A profound score that lifted my day up a little if not a lot. I needed that little energy boost to be honest. But I have no doubt of one thing in my mind, Liverpool has made me and all the fans throughout the world proud! People call it the ‘St. Etienne II’ match because Liverpool needed the same score line to go through in the past when they beat St. Etienne 3-1! Never mind the history now but Liverpool…. You’ll Never Walk Alone. People call me a crazy bugger when it comes to Liverpool… and I really hafta admit… I am! In fact, if I wasn’t at London today, I would have gone for the match because my friend managed to purchase the ticket through black market for £45 per ticket when it cost only £23. Even if it had cost me £60, I would have gone… believe me… to me… it is always worth the while! From the famous terraces of the KOP (formerly known as Spion KOP), banners, scarves and flags hoist up in the air, to the passionate song of Liverpool, ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, they have never fail to mesmerize me over and over again. Maybe that was also partially the reason why I chose Liverpool as my education hub… sorry mom. *hehehehe*

Besides having Liverpool as my main agenda today… it was also a tiring day for me not so much that I did loads of things but boredom tire me out! These are the times when you just want to sleep and sleep and lie on the bed the whole day through. Actually, coming to think of it, after scrutinizing the uncountable online diaries out there… some with suicidal missions, some imposing self-pity upon thyself, some trying to look cute and cunning… some with adorable instincts, and even some with two fingers up our ass when we browse through their page but funnily enough, what all we bloggers are doing is to keep our sanity going by announcing to the whole wide world what the f*** we did… Ain’t that something cool and new to us? Keeping our sanity by telling practically strangers what the hell we did… do we walk round the street stark naked and tell strangers face to face that we feel sexy? Are we sane enough to go to strangers in a bar and tell them that we are on the verge of crying, suicide or whatever that is? But why do we go about our blogs daily and frankly so comfortably telling practically the entire online community about our daily routines? A rather contradicting fact that the thing which is insane to do is also something sane if we do it the other way round! And maybe, just maybe, this is a way for us to feel good or have a go at ourselves….

My word… I am getting more freaked out now… or maybe I was just too bored today… life goes on… chao.

Keeping my sanity from day to day isn't quite something that I planned when I was in college. It's not just something that was part of the plan but eventually it gets to you. I just received a call from my friend back home asking for help in a difficult situation... he wasn't in the most jovial mood as he has always been... and the deepening crisis that he has plunged himself into has saddened me deeply. Are we supposed to go through this stage of life to proceed on normally with our lives? Sometimes I see and hear students moan about their deepest crisis... and sometimes it gets to them. And I think to myself, my gosh... weren't they blessed with the most wonderful life that anyone can ask for? What about those students who were deprived of the luxury to even complete their studies? I was fortunate to have got this far to study... and even though I have been through this much, I still kept my composure and be thankful right at the very end that I was blessed with an education.

No offence to my friends who might be reading this but seriously, pick yourself up and be thankful for what you have today. I dare say that those elder than me would be saying the same thing about me moaning about life right now... but hey... I pick myself up no matter what happens... setbacks after setbacks and I can still say... Thank God and my parents. I know I am a bit of a hypocrite here when some matters do matter but hey... life is all about learning, aren't they? Happiness, Unhappiness... the most important thing is that we know how to differentiate them and sort them out accordingly without having to affect whatever that we are out to achieve. I have been told once about that... and this ought be given a few thoughts.

Anyway, all was calm and clear today except for the freaking gales and rain... wasn't that cool when it is supposed to be spring time. I know I have complained about this before and I still do it... but hey... life goes on and we hafta live with it. We can't change the inevitable... we just hafta figure out a way around it. The evitable ones are our own spawning because if we know there's a hole in the middle of a road, it wouldn't take a genius to figure out that we need to avoid it...that is if we are sane and sound enough to think. Cheerio now... Live life efficiently... don't waste the years in the doldrums suffocating ourselves with inevitable issues!

I am bemused that things have taken such a turnaround lately. Not that I opted for it and neither did I asked for it, I presume the Holy one up there has every reason to honour me with such changes. Anyway, I am getting more tongue tied now that it is approaching D-Day... I am fretting to be exact. Whenever I think about it, I would be trembling... it would take me a while before I regain my composure but hope when the time comes, I can be right on track! Wish me luck guys! Received a phone call from a faraway friend in Louisiana... a place that haunts me time and time again. Bruised and lacerated throughout the ordeal, I am sure I would never go back to that place again. But somehow or rather, this friend of mine survived the ordeal only to become almost like a celebrity in that university. Living life like never an international student would, he described over the phone how I have missed this and that. His voice betrayed my trust in that place... make no mistake, it was a very nice place but somehow or rather, I wasn't fated to be in there. Told me a whole lot of stuffs on his plan to travel the continent and on how he secured a job made me feel even small for a moment there. Thought about it for a moment.... 'Nah... what's the point?'. The biggest failure in everyone's life is to be comparing knowledge and luck with each other. It just puts you off... but hey (if the person reads this), I am doing fine here and guess what's yours is yours... you've earned it. Just wish me luck that what I have chosen today which differs from yours could offer me the same thing that you are going through now ok? Actually, coming to think of it, there are so many people out there who thinks that they control the situation and have the freaking right to impose advices on other people... honestly speaking, get a whole grip on ourselves before we move on to another person's problem! No point in belittling people now when they feel it themselves later if the same situation occurs upon them. No hard feelings though... just a frank advice.

Feeling subdued today... maybe its the usual Sunday blues for me immaterial if I work or not... or maybe I am just too used to the blues on Sunday that it affects me even when I am not. Just hope that this persistent moody feeling especially on Sunday disappears in the future. Or maybe it was because Arsenal and Man Utd. were still winning games! UrrrGGggHHhhh.........

The morning today was bright... unlike the past few days which was horrible and moody. And indeed, Liverpool won against Middlesbrough this morning by 2-1, a score which conceils their tiredness after only 48 hours from their previous match with Barcelona. An astounding victory I would say to keep the leaders of the pack on their toes with the likes of Arsenal and Man Utd. I played squash today... still learning from the game which was totally unconversant to me in the past. My best bet on sports would be badminton, football and table tennis... take me on anytime and I'll guarantee you a good match. I hope I didnt sound too arrogant back there.

Anyway, it is St. Patricks' Day today... not that I am Irish and I care but it's sortaf nice to know that my favourite drink, Guiness is a nationwide celebration! At least I had a pint when I watched the football match earlier on today when I had to drag myself out of the bed to watch my favourite team play! Talking about my Liverpool and I dare say it again... MY Liverpool..., it has been 12 years now since the first time I supported them on tele when Liverpool played Nottingham Forest. Of course they won it then with Rush and Barnes deputizing and terrorizing every defender in Division 1(now known as the Premier League). Even though they had won nothing since the 90s, I am still proud to say that I was there with them through thick and thin... a loyalist in every corner of my heart... a True RED... You'll Never Walk Alone, Liverpool! But somehow or rather... I am still wondering how Liverpool manage to surrender an 11 point lead over Man Utd earlier this season to let them go top now... a freaking nine match without a win! Hmpph... guess I cant complain much now that Liverpool are really on fire... hope that they don't repeat this sloppy patch next season.

Well, although today was quite boring apart from the football match this morning (here I go again...), I am very proud of someone to have almost completed her commission on something which she has placed so much effort on. Really proud of her determination to get it done. Hope she takes it to the top. And also I spoke with an old friend of mine... my word... judging from her cheeky libretto, it made me wonder to myself... 'Have I really disappeared for such a long time?'... 'Have I been secluding myself for far too long now?'... well well... I am bewildered actually. But hey... all is not lost and I am still very much alive and kicking... so much for now I guess... cheerio now!...

Today, I marched into the valley of defeat not only to discover that there weren’t any adversary but also a self-deceit understatement that made absolutely all the sense in the world why I’ve been so puckered up in this millennium. It was easy to notice someone’s typical self-destruct button but when it came to me, I was left dumbfounded when I nearly channelled myself into a self-annihilation module. I would call it a close call to be exact.

Anyway, I popped into the cinema today for a show… ‘We Were Soldiers’ by Randall Wallace starring Mel Gibson…the same cast and crew for ‘Braveheart’, my all time favourite movie… but to my dismay, it wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. I think it is partially my fault too because I pretty much over-hyped it due to the fact that ‘Braveheart’ was that good. But the truth is… the movie was above average. Here are my all-time favourites:

1. Braveheart
2. Exorcist
3. Star Wars (…all of them)
4. The Patriot
5. Lord of the Rings
6. City of Angels
7. Gladiator
8. Black Hawk Down
9. We Were Soldiers
10. Desperado

Anyway, it is freaking Spring time (or is it not…) and the weather is just so f**ked up! …and it’s really beginning to get on my nerves! * sigh *… typical freaking English weather and it pretty much summed up my overall mood! But I had a simple but sumptuous home cooked meal by Stephannie. It has been long since I had mummy’s irresistible food but luckily, Stephannie always has something from her bright culinary skills to satisfy and spice up my taste buds. Thanks a million! And the latter part of the day was just cool and breezy and what more… I chilled along of course! ‘Till tomorrow… chao!

The most dangerous place is my calmest place, the calmest place has the finest hour, my finest hour is my scariest moment, my scariest moment leads me to my final thoughts, and my final thoughts brings me eternal solitude where I proceed on to my solitariness… either way, I can’t escape my problems or woes neither can I try outsmarting it… the best possible solution to it is, jump right on it and face the facts. Embrace your darkest hour like how you approach your finest hour because if we can succeed in doing so, we are well composed.

Today, I can’t seem to find my rhythm. The more I seek, the more daunting it felt, and in the end… I ended up ‘meditating’ in such that I sat, closed my eyes and listened to the free-falling water from the shower. It took me back to a special place back home where I would usually sit on one of those rocks and listen to the birds chirp. Beneath the thick canopies of layered green leaves up above lies a secret stream flowing through an endless passage of time. The cries of the waterfall thundering downwards in the background forms a contrasting setting to indicate that no one’s life is free from problems and no matter how we want to live a quiet life or vice versa, we still need to address the opposing facts, and to commit ourselves to the cause no matter how disconcerting it may seem. Defeat is never a shameful thing, the most important thing is never to step down and let subjugation take control of our life because if we do, recovery rate is almost certain to be zilch. Feeling quite tired today... feel like a messed up day myself. Maybe due to stress... but guess I'm not the only one having stress aint it?

Perplexed by the mood of the day, I ran into an experience which unfold many stories. Throughout the day, I encountered moodiness but it did not end haphazardly. Something told me at the back of my head to calm down and relax... no one's gonna nip you. It was true after all and only after a while did I come out with a reasonable explaination to decipher what went wrong today and for the rare occasions that occured in the past... I was suffering from a nervous breakdown. Some people call it the Post Stress Disorder(PSD)... I had too much to think and worry about that when I am not doing anything during my break, anxiety takes over me. I wasn't like that before... but now it seems to me that it is almost inevitable in my life and for many others out there who are faced with numerous problems everyday. The only good thing about it is I manage to compose myself well and quickly before it gets to my head. Some don't and that's why shit happens. Anyway.. it is just one of 'dem days...

And it was a nice one Bob... hope you continue reading on. The fact that I only had one advert and no invitation as yet to my friends, it has been quite astonishing. Well... as I was saying yesterday, and I am sure many people share the same sentiments as me, that the problem which poses the biggest threat to spark a worldwide war is the Israel-Palestine conflict. September 11 would not have taken place if the issue was desolved before hand. And now to make matters worse, the unresolved conflict has not only been degraded to a mere spectre and left to rot but has totally changed directions with warheads aimed at Iraq and the pounding of Afghanistan. And yet, some governments still speak verbally with the confidence of a lunatic that they have the power and determination of Zeus to end terrorism! My word... have they forgotten the word discussion, negotiation, and most of all PEACE rather than inciting further terror to the already homeless, depleted and innocent men and women who have the every bit of right to live in GOD's created land? Should the people who incinerate the twin towers be punished for their inhumane acts? YES. Should they be brought to justice? YES. But should we also consider the root of all demons from where it started? YES! Think about it, you should be able to find out where the answer leads you to. By no means should anyone be sacrificed further for the world is already suffocated... bring in a tactful negotiator or mediator with no military background, but with the utmost determination and respect for peace... You will see a collective voice of utter agreement.

Once again, it is actually by no means of me to stop the rot, but I hope a voice can help, or even calm my thoughts. Shit happens anyway...

Unperturbed by the complexity of how or what the future lies ahead, it's beginning to make sense that it's in everyone's thoughts not by reality but by coincidence. I like to daydream once in a while to a faraway land, so peaceful and immaculate that I can live there forever but when reality slips in, the complicated reality torments my mind no further than my soul. It's not easy living a day, what more a life but still, we need to go through it no matter what. The only thing we can do is to be more vigilant, cautious and discipline in whatever we do or wherever we are… do not, and problems will unfold one by one. Today was a day of reflection into my inner self without inflicting any form of disbelief or pushing the self-destruct button. It was nonetheless a very relaxing day indeed from my usual routine where life knows no limits… no end… no entertainment and most of all, no certainty.

Coming to think of it, the all out looming war by the States are saddening me day by day… and the never ending conflict between the Palestinians and Israelis with 2 self-proclaimed nations bombarding each other in the most inhumane way… is there no way out of it? Why of all the land in the world, it has gotta be the holiest land of all to be involved in the bloodiest war of all times? Is this the beginning of the ‘2nd coming’? Is this the beginning spark of the ‘holy crusade’ to be launched against the entire world’s will? Will the occupying of lands stop? Will the people of all religions seize one day to think of the outcome they are landing themselves into? Was it worth the holocaust of today, remembered by the children of tomorrow? Things are never easy to solve… but it is also not hard to capture the moment of serenity once this conflict reaches its penultimate sorrow when the mellowness and melancholy sets in. Are our children of tomorrow going to discover a few more nations submerged beneath the book of deaths? Or will they ever know that long before their forefathers, there was an existence of 2 great nations of ultimate pride and holiness… Israel and Palestine? Or will they ever know that the States were once a wonderful country to live in with dignity and pride… why are people inflicting these catastrophes upon themselves?

Tomorrow will be another great day and I am going to cherish the beautiful life I have without a fuss. The world will be a better place to live in if not for the fanatics… It’s true…

When you are always on the go, you just don't feel tired but today, I felt so drained that as soon as I sat in the train, the gush of energy released was so immense that I slept almost immediately. As I woke up an hour later and looked out the aperture, the temperamental countryside gave me a solemn nod as if telling me to take it easy. I closed my eyes again... this time indulging in contemplation over my achievements. I felt as though I deserved this break but on the other hand, would I be missing out on any opportunities of whatsoever kind? The same question ran through my head over and over again. My word... I was thinking to myself,... not another anarchic and chaotic moment on my break please...and then, a moment of calmness broke through when the first ray of sunlight shone upon me... the bright orange fireball beamed its rays over me... as if smiling and telling me that everything's going to be fine right at the end. I managed a feeble smile to myself as I drifted further apart from all the problematic normality of my everyday life. The only best thing that I can recognise of my ownself is being able to drift into calmness, sharing the same sentiments as a cascade of water free falling from high up above the mountains to the very beautiful, still, tranquil and placid waters that I once shared only with myself to this very day in time. It's funny though that the highest point in my life is getting to celebrate calmness all to myself or with my loved ones... Call me a loner, recluse, hermit or anything you want, I am definitely in the running to the most accomplished agenda in anyone's life... knowing thyself and controlling thy emotions.

Harmonized and tired, I rest my case short today...

Server was down yesterday and I was dead tired as well. I worked my socks off but it was nonetheless another week of experience and exposure to my guts, instinct, intuition and determination. Far beyond the lavish dreams of ordinary people, I live to look for another day of calmness, solitudeness and mediocrity. Today, I had a repetition of the most impartial and undivulged experience of being to see our soul from our inner peace... I wouldnt call it a form of natural meditation nor would I call it 'soul-separation', the only perception from this experience is to know thyself. I've gone through it many times in the past and although I must say its a bit uncanny in contrast to a normality, I quite enjoy it as a form of relaxation. I can actually stop thinking for a moment and wonder to myself, 'What brings me here?' ...'Why am I here?' ... 'How am I able to control myself?'... and it is within this deep thoughts that I manage to know deeper about myself and venture into something more superficial and peaceful. Anyway, I am still sane... but that was just a quick recap of how enormous and fulfilling it all goes whenever this spectre occurs. Even the worst of gales and weather today didn't stop me from feeling good.

Too tired to comment further now coz I can go on and on forever... Tomorrow will be an extraordinary day I reckon... let's hope so.

It's rather peculiar to have an undignified or unrecognised contribution to whatever each and everyone of us have done, but still we hafta continue pretending its not such a big deal after all. Sometimes it really hurts. Today's astrologer's prediction for me was quite true... avoid any form of heated debate... and I am lucky to have done just that. People might think that I am a foolish and cheeky bas3rd to be venturing into such nonsensical thoughts and beliefs but to me, they are prediting each and everyday of my life quite accurately. As much as I want to remain passive, I can't because I am beginning to be terified by the truth and accuracy of it all. Anyway, I am tired today... tomorrow will be another tiring day followed by a shitty Sunday which I am definitely not looking forward to. Sometimes it is taking toll on me...

Sometimes I am being messed up by the most fickle and dubious facts that I don't know where I stand no more. Fortunately, I have been through too much to know how to handle setbacks after setbacks. Sometimes it kills my consitution but the farthest it gets is my physical and mental motion... never my will power and determination. I speak today of my doubted self... to remind me that I am still sane and that I am going through the most buggering, insane, mind blogging, bollocks and determined stage of my life. I will never rest my case till I am done... I am here to be a learned person... gaining experience as I move along... and I know... I Will Never Walk Alone... Veni, Vedi, Veci....

The weather looks better today... flower buds are blossoming, sun shining brigthly with the air filled with the aroma of green leaves and grass... what looks like spring could not help but bring in more smiles in my face rather than the awkward, moody and depressing winter. Every winter brings in echoes of a hard fought battle through a million years... I dont know why but it does. Although it really sounds that bad, I still enjoy my winter as it comes because of the tranquility of December when Christmas comes. Its only when December passes by that the real mercurial, sullen, cantankerous, petulant (...and call it whatever you want) Raymond comes in. I am sure everyone agrees with me... but these days have somehow revived my mood compared to the previous 2 months when I was faced with loads of rejection from all corners. Anyway, it is now that counts and I guess I will need to wait for another year before the shit feeling sinks in again... and that's good! Today, I had a picture taken with Jamie Carragher at the restaurant I am working in... Liverpool's full back and England International.... will post it up once I get it sorted. Actually, I have met loads of them but have never taken pictures with any of them... there was one actually with Sander Westerweld but the picture was spoilt due to a faulty camera. I have seen and chatted with the likes of Robbie Fowler(Leeds Utd.), Emile Heskey(Liv), John Barnes(former Liv player), John Aldrigde(former Coach of Tranmere Rovers), Gary Lineker(Former England International), Tommy Smith(Famous Commentator), Jamie Carragher(Liv), Vegard Heggem(Liv), Francis Jeffers(Arsenal) and a whole lots more. Guess that's the whole fun about working part time in a Chinese restaurant... blending with the rich and famous(that was of course a sweeping statement that I only manage to serve them and get their autographs... not hanging out with them)!! hehehe....

You know... sometimes it can be really lonely up here even with my introverted character but I am managing fine. At least, I learn more through the hard way in life... to be very honest, everyday is a learning day in my life now. There is just so much to be digested... different walks of life, brains, mind games, tactics, obstacles, and the list goes on and on. I am sure it will be of use to me one day or another. That's why I don't complain much or feel embarassed even the slightest bit!

'"What we achieve in life - Echoes in Eternity'"
-Unanimous

It couldn't be truer than that... and today will be another history be it bitter or sweet, echoed in my life for as long as I live.

You know...I am going through the craziest period of my life right now. It freaks me out sometimes. Everything looks like a fine mess... and yet, sometimes it doesnt. Have you ever felt that you know the truth and yet there's still something at the back of your mind triggering your suspicions? Have you ever felt that you have no control of things? I am now basically hanging in a limbo... awaiting for things to take place... it's just a feeling of that I've done all I could and I am just sitting back waiting for results which are of an uncertain period of time. Of my previous blogs, I have said something on not regretting tomorrow with the things we do today... well, I wish I could have the chance again to take off where I left things behind 2 years back... I am finding it hard to channel my energy into something more composed and solid again. My current state of mind is far too messed up to compose any songs which were like a natural flow in my blood. I still remember the good ol' times with gigs and unplugged's... those were the best time of my life. I have not given up hope yet and will see how far we go when we regroup later on.

It was by far the most rebellious and superlative confidence I've ever felt and I hope it'll be back. Today Liverpool succumbed the pressure and overwhelmed Newcastle by 3 goals to nil... Newcastle matches were always the best of the crop, still remember the two 4-3 scoreline... one of which I remember best when Liverpool were 3-0 up and Newcastle bounced back within the last 20 minutes to make it 3-3 and with 2 minutes added time, Fowler received a cross and headed it in... the feeling was mutual for all Liverpudlians over the world. It was an eccentric and electrifying 4-3 score which will be cemented in my memories. Anyway, Liverpool is chasing the pack and I have every confidence to believe they'll be fighting till the very last match... You'll Never Walk Alone Kopites!!!...

Everyday I see a new face and each and everyone of them tells a story whether it is sad or happy.I asked myeslf today...' Why me?' Is this called lucky or vice versa? Do I have to? Unanswerable questions floods my mind but behind every step of the way, the Almighty up there has His own reasons. For what... I wouldnt know but it sure is for me, come what may. Another aspect of human form is the ignorance of something precious and special so much so that we only regret it when it's gone! I have foregone that step through observation and that's why, life's little things are so very much valued by me. I don't want my life to have a regrettable tomorrow but an envied possession. Self Indulgence would be a good start... believe me... it wouldn't be any better that that. Somehow or rather, you'll be able to come terms with it... which I hope is through realisation rather than remorse. It isn't easy... but it isn't hard too...

A relaxed day with mixed emotions again but it was fairly on the good side. I am knackered actually... wondering if I will ever make the break. You know... in life, some people dont know shit and yet, they can still talk shit wherelse, some remain quiet when they are the ones who are loaded with ammo. It's rather strange that in my everyday life, I get to meet all walks of life. There isn't a day where I stop learning something new about some people. And yet, sometimes when my advices are offered, I'll only be met with declination. It's only when something hits them that makes them realise they have missed out on something so good. Human nature is like that... but only the learned ones will realise it. I work and meet so many people everyday to know that much and I can only do my best. If my best isn't enough... tough shit! Jerk Off... but it makes me laugh at times and look on the bright side... as long as I have been honest to myself and my intentions are pure... I've got nothing to hide... or do I really need to conceal myself?

Its funny how when you've got something someone wants... you are treated like a king but when you've been through the worse in the past... you really feel disgusted! Can't anyone have pure intentions in their mind rather than trying to pick those out who are of benefit to themselves? Anyway, I am faced with morons day in day out...kinda numb to it now... but of course...there are some who are really cool and 'genuine'. I am glad in a way that I am preserving my benefits now and then, but I will never abuse it. Today, I feel contented as I think I have reviewed myself enough to know what I want and need in life. It has never been easy being to what I am today and the most important part is... I have not regretted today or will not do so tomorrow by the things I do today. I hope everyone comes to this term because sometimes by the time we regret, it'll be too late and a second chance might not come by again. Learn how to live life by the day and appreciate each little thing that passes us by and as the saying goes, 'Honesty is the best policy'. I am not a preacher but a believer, I am not a saint but an ordinary guy, and the world is never a naive place to live in...

" The white horse you see in the park could be a zebra synchronized with the railings. "
-Ann Jellicoe (Britsh writer), 1927 of " The Knack".

Today I was a bit more introverted than usual... I was trying to figure out certain things and when this happens, I am a tough nut to crack. But of course, sometimes I too need to understand that there are some things in life which are beyond my control and that I just need to sit back and let nature take its place. Some find me weird and strict... and some find me as a very disciplined person... some approach me and some just sit back and listen, some would feel that I am too arrogant and there are some who would find me too precise to leave behind. I can never understand my own nature but one thing for sure, I always get the job done without disappointing anyone! As I've said...I am just feeling a bit weird these days... I don't usually assess myself in public. Anyway, things are running smoothly and its nonetheless a sigh of relief through another day of my life... Did I choose my life? I certainly did not but no matter what happens... I am thankful for being here to live my life in peace with the luxuries of an unpretentious man. I thank my parents for that...

Mixed emotions engulfed my senses today. One part of me felt accomplished and the other...lost for words. But still, those weird dreams keep coming in. Really, it's actually not such a big deal having dreams but I am one who has not had a weird dream for a long long time. I really hope I could interpret my dreams or maybe someone could help me out. Strangely enough, it came in sequences in the order of seasons. I have already gone through Autumn and Winter in 2 successive dreams. I really feel rather weird and would just like to solve my inquisition as soon as possible. I was also quite reserved today... stuffing my brains with questions and there was this feeling of numbness for a moment there with a little voice telling me...'Hey, shit happens... what can we do?' Sometimes I beg to differ... and I just stop short of asking further. Only the Almighty up there knows.

Anyway, I still keep my sanity for another day although I know most people will be intrigued by the fact that I still remain sane despite all the pressure, stress and weirdness that I am going through in everyday of my life. Dont worry, I am doing fine.... or am I not? ...

It has been 35 minutes since I last sat down in front of the computer screen trying to think of the linked events which took place over the past few days. The chronology of anomalous events baffles me... every moment is spent figuring out the message behind it. Before anything, another setback occured... it's testing my patience but I remain intact with my dreams. One step of failure leads to another success in the future.... that's what I hope. I am keeping my fingers crossed and I hope you do too. The run-in of everyday life intrigues my sanity... I wonder why. Was it because I was dealt with too much blows in the past that I can't accept the luxury of the slightest normality? And why is it that when I begin to accept the conventionality of life only does shit happens. Do I have to face the lucid facts of a troubled life or overcome the melancholy in my life? Composing myself to brace and conquer these difficult times would be an uphill and daunting task but to earn a sublime life, I think this is what I need to do to be just that. All hope is not lost... and I will trudge on with respect, dignity and a clear conscience for another day...